Trite Expression

I miss her so much.

I want to feel her hug and see her smile. I want to sleep with her again. I want the ice in my stomach to melt away from her touch.

I miss how she was mysterious but vulnerable, I miss having the chance to make her mine. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, and now that is impossible. I wanted to hold and protect her, but I hurt her and she hurt herself. I couldn't make her happy.

She thought I was her dog, so devoted I was to her. I am nobody's dog. I loved her anyway. I loved her in a way that scared me. It wasn't a love for show, a feeling of trying to prove I was capable of it. It was just the quiet wish to spend the rest of my days with a girl who made me feel complete.

Every night I stay up until I am too exhausted to continue. Missing her. Missing anything which can fill the hole that is there. The hole has always been there, since I can remember. I've had many girls, but she is the only one I ever chose. Some girls can fill it temporarily, but she could have had it forever.

She wasn't the prettiest or best fit for me. I know our personalities were different enough. She could have been taller, had bigger breasts, been more sporty and kind. I loved her anyway. I loved her fully and completely.

I never forgave her, and I don't think she ever forgave me. Nothing can undo what was done. I could forgive it all if I felt she had any sincerity. I feel used and discarded, replaceable and worthless. Penny paper in a dime store.

I can't tell anyone. They think that it was a stupid, puppy love. They think that it has happened to everyone before. It probably has. Just because everyone has the scars doesn't mean that my wounds aren't fresh.

She was the second to throw me away. The first to throw my love away. I threw away the love of another, I am not innocent.

I don't think I'll ever truly understand her, but I think I was good enough for her at the time. Then she wanted something else.

Even in the arms of another woman, I think of her.

I remember how tortured I was, alone. When it was only myself and the abyss. This is still better than those days. To have known the love of another lights a candle against the darkness. To not have that love brings bitterness.

I was happy. I was happy but I wanted more. I wanted a brighter future for both of us. Some patience, some thinking and I would have done everything to get it.

Now there is nothing, but myself.
And me.
And I.
And the abyss.